last month, i had a moment, such a blissful moment. i was driving home from a visit to the chiropractor. i had seen a woman chiropractor who was working with the chiropractor that i normally see. as i was driving away, i felt something shift in me. unbid, this thought-feeling arose: the cancer is gone. and with that, a feeling of such lightness. everything changed. i could literally feel the world, my world, without cancer. god, how sweet. it was an extraordinary feeling. i could feel the lovely ordinariness of the day. and i could feel, by contrast, how even on my best days, this cancer deal is relentlessly preoccupying. it’s just there and there and there, shaping every moment. and that’s the problem, of course. if even on my best days, it’s there, that means that even on my best days it’s there, it’s here, in me. the thought of it, the work-play of making it go, of doing anything because of it, in some way reinforces its existence, no? keeps it alive in a certain way. regularly gives it a home in my mind, and so then in my body? this thing called cancer needs to be faced directly, of course. but there seems to be such a thing as too heavy an emphasis - on that word, or all of the frightening baggage that comes with it (that's for sure)... a balance asks to be struck, as with everything...
hmmm, this begs more contemplation... how to do more in my day, and night, that is for some other reason, that is for the act or action itself, that is about that moment in time, experiencing that moment, all moments, as deeply spacious, and without a past, without the past that says i have or had cancer.... even that last qualification keeps cancer here. so let me re-phrase, or edit that - what i’m looking for is this: to do more in my day that is about that particular moment in time, feeling the spaciousness, the vast field of possibilities, of that, of this moment.... simply because, because it is a moment in time, because it is, and because i am.
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i must add something here - there are some people in my life who are in deep denial about what i am experiencing. likely due to fear, they cannot face it, cannot acknowledge my reality, cannot honor my needs. so for these people, a rumination like the one above might suggest that continuing to effectively ignore the complexity and challenges of my current reality is the path to take, to act as if everything is just fine, or to not act at all. clearly, this is not what i mean. i'm looking for balance. that means genuinely facing me in my entirety in each moment. facing me with love, generous and unabiding love. knowing that my reality is complex and sensitive and challenging, and i have moments of bliss.
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