re-alignment

     well, apparently, my body is going through some major re-alignment.  i'm reminded to stay with the process, remember that it is a process, my body is a living process, life is a process.

     one part of my body pulls and strains.  i'm stopped in my tracks, flat on my back recovering from that for a couple of days.  and just as that is calming down and feeling closer to healed than hurt, another area along my spine flares up.  and i go through the same with that, and then another.  "house of cards," someone said to describe my body in this process.  not sure i like that metaphor.  sounds like the whole house is coming down.  but it certainly is functioning like a row of dominoes - one falls and the rest follow.  but my chiropractor tells me that once they've all made their adjustments, it will not start all over again.  that's a relief.

     there are so many variables in this scenario, not sure which one/s prompted this re-alignment.  could be the 1/8" lift i now wear inside my left shoe because a bit of length was shaved off my leg during the surgery.  could be that i'm staying at a friends' house while they're away in africa, and it's a home that quickly felt like mine too - it's warm and cozy and full of life and love and vibrancy and african drums.  because it feels so much like a kindred space, i can and do rest well here.  so maybe my body has released into what it knows is a safe place to do so.  and then there was the massage that i had just over a week ago.  it was the first time on the table when my leg and hip ached so much i couldn't lie still.   so that directed all of the work my fine massage therapist did that day - it included much cranio-sacral work, and also massaging the legs and hip, and a great deal of sensitivity and love on her part.  she was guided by my body and her intuition.  and i guided her too.  waves upon waves of emotion welled up and spilled out of me, loads of energy vibrated throughout my body, and a lot of old, stale stuff was shook off through my hands.  it went on and on and on..   at the end of it, i slowly got off the table, knowing that something had seriously shifted....
     or it could be that larger imbalance being felt.  yes, that one. 

     and it could be all of the above and more...

     anything's possible.

     life is a process, life is a process, life is a process....

     and healing and health are not only individual acts but community acts - it's the collaboration and the love that makes it possible.

a rough day

a rough day today.
moving very slowly.  spending most of the time in bed.
i did a gentle forward bend yesterday and i felt my right sacral area pull and roll, oh! ow.   so now, bending forward is out of the question.  any movement, i do gingerly.  and with both crutches.
this stuff takes my morale low.

please let me know you're there.   call, visit, email...   i need to hear from you.

xox

a moment of bliss

  last month, i had a moment, such a blissful moment.  i was driving home from a visit to the chiropractor.  i had seen a woman chiropractor who was working with the chiropractor that i normally see.  as i was driving away, i felt something shift in me.  unbid, this thought-feeling arose:  the cancer is gone.  and with that, a feeling of such lightness.   everything changed.  i could literally feel the world, my world, without cancer.  god, how sweet.  it was an extraordinary feeling.  i could feel the lovely ordinariness of the day.  and i could feel, by contrast, how even on my best days, this cancer deal is relentlessly preoccupying.  it’s just there and there and there, shaping every moment.  and that’s the problem, of course.  if even on my best days, it’s there, that means that even on my best days it’s there, it’s here, in me.  the thought of it, the work-play of making it go, of doing anything because of it, in some way reinforces its existence, no?  keeps it alive in a certain way.  regularly gives it a home in my mind, and so then in my body?   this thing called cancer needs to be faced directly, of course.   but there seems to be such a thing as too heavy an emphasis - on that word, or all of the frightening baggage that comes with it (that's for sure)...  a balance asks to be struck, as with everything...

    hmmm, this begs more contemplation...  how to do more in my day, and night, that is for some other reason, that is for the act or action itself, that is about that moment in time, experiencing that moment, all moments, as deeply spacious, and without a past, without the past that says i have or had cancer....  even that last qualification keeps cancer here.  so let me re-phrase, or edit that - what i’m looking for is this:  to do more in my day that is about that particular moment in time, feeling the spaciousness, the vast field of possibilities, of that, of this moment.... simply because, because it is a moment in time, because it is, and because i am.


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i must add something here - there are some people in my life who are in deep denial about what i am experiencing.   likely due to fear, they cannot face it, cannot acknowledge my reality, cannot honor my needs.   so for these people, a rumination like the one above might suggest that continuing to effectively ignore the complexity and challenges of my current reality is the path to take, to act as if everything is just fine, or to not act at all.    clearly, this is not what i mean.   i'm looking for balance.  that means genuinely facing me in my entirety in each moment.  facing me with love, generous and unabiding love.  knowing that my reality is complex and sensitive and challenging, and i have moments of bliss.