bone and the skeletal structure

     today, lately, i'm thinking and ruminating a lot on bone, the nature of bone, the symbolic meaning of bone... and the skeletal structure.  namely, my skeletal structure.  it's meant to support me, of course.  so there's the question of support, support structure.  and support from where?  what kind of support - physical? emotional? spiritual?  clearly, all are in play.  but what area calls out for more, for deeper investigation?  what does full  support in and for each of these areas of my being really look like?   someone has suggested that bone represents one of the deepest layers of a being.  if so, then, what of my needs has perhaps been pushed under?  what trouble has gone into hiding?  and how do i go about uprooting it or speaking to it at that deepest level in order to transform it?  what burdens, old stories or old pain have become too heavy to carry any longer?  what needs to go?

    and what of true support versus false support?  what does true support really look like, feel like?  and how has false support played a role in my life?  where have i, for example, too often leaned into false support and feel it crumble beneath even mild pressure?  how have i leaned in in this way because i had yet to accept, or fully accept, that it was false, a mirage, a myth?  how had i needed, or still need, that support to be what it said it was/is, what they said it was? and how dangerous to continue to lean into false support in the most precarious of times when i so very much need true support...  and how to continue to build trust in what is truly true support, knowing that it will hold me as i lean in?  so that i will, as needed, lean in? 

    exploring these questions, and feeling the answers, has become a matter of increasing importance.  at times, a too intense gravity insists and suggests that it is the path... a gravity shot through with fear.  and a notion that it's a serious head-oriented approach that is the responsible path.  and yet, i know, i know, that play must be a part of this process too.  it's the play, the improvisation, that suggests and crafts new ways, new paths.   that's what i need to find my way to the hidden trouble.  and it's from the place and way of play that i know best, can see most clearly what is true support.   the thinking mind is so small in the light of brightly shining intuition.  go there, wendy.  go there.  live there.  the head can take a backseat.  it will serve when it needs to - but only serve.  the intuition is my fearless and awesome leader.

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     so often, i find, these thoughts and feelings expressed here are really messages to myself.  i return to them again and again and find solace and important remembering.

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    oh my, this is not an easy path.  and yet, that's precisely what i practice.  Ease.  ease in the most challenging of moments.  ease - the unburdened antithesis of disease or dis-ease.   dis be gone.

a healer, and my body asks for time

   on this cold winter's day, i'm thinking of Mexico, again.  here's a juicy tale from my recent visit there:

    last august, i was lucky enough to get a scholarship to go to an herbal conference in NH.  one of the big draws for me was that an herbalist and healer from Oaxaca was going to be one of the special guests.  at the last moment, she could not attend.  so, i inquired about where she lives in Oaxaca and planned to see if i could find her once there.  once i'd landed in Mexico City, my friend there travelled with me to Oaxaca, and then to a town where her friends, who would become my friends, live - a town where i'd never been before on the outskirts of Oaxaca City.  after a week settling into their home and the rhythm of the town, i asked if they knew of the town where this healer lives.  their response:  it’s the next town over, Wendy...   how very interesting.  how truly not-just-coincidentally convenient.  and, so, i went.  as did Lulu, one of my new friends there.

    the experience was powerful and i came away with valuable information, herbs and tinctures too.  Dona Enriqueta Contrera is an older woman steeped in the healing traditions of her culture.   she spoke with me, quickly sussed out that some old childhood fear had been harbored in my body since that time, and that my kidneys had been taxed in the process.  her able and long-time assistant performed a powerful “limpia” (cleansing) on/with me.   all sorts of intense energy pooled in my hands begging to be shaken off and released.  afterwards, i was so cold - a clear indication that much old “heat” had left my body.   Enriqueta’s words, the limpia, and the tinctures and teas she prescribed stirred much in me.  in the days following, all sorts of emotions washed through me.  words and drawings spilled out of me in familiar and not-so-familiar, but very liberating, ways.  i’m sure the benefits of that healing were multiplied by experiencing them in Mexico, and in Lulu and Sol’s home, and feeling that greater opening to relaxation that i felt in that culture and country...

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    as for my health at the moment, i feel well, my system is functioning well.  at the same time, i'm feeling the need for much rest.  and generally, i'm able to rest the way i need to.  that's a change that's come around in the last few months.  some level of anxiety has left me, and i'm also finding and staying in places where i feel calm, and with that, i have the space i need to relax into real rest.

    i'm still back on the crutches, regaining strength in the hip.  religiously doing my yoga/exercises daily.    feeling frustrated at times, like today, with the length of time i've had to use some means of support to move my body to and fro.  trying to find patience in these moments.   but, at least now, i can feel how the sensations and pain i was experiencing a few weeks ago were really muscle and tendon-related, and not bone-related.  the latter would have been troubling given my larger diagnosis.  i likely have some form of tendonitis in the hip area.  also, a chiropractor told me recently that muscle can have difficulty adapting when new bone is coming in, and this could be part of what's happening in my body.   not that it won't adapt, but that it's a process and the muscles and tendons need time.  so time it is, dear body.   anything for you.