stepping out... and giving thanks

    it’s been a long time since i wrote here...  it’s been a very full couple of months. 

    the beginning of september was very stressful.  a lot of fear and anxiety was stirred up.  my oncologist was not making sense and being belligerent too.  i already knew i needed to step out, to change my environment.  then it became pressing.   so, as i shared in my last post, off to an ashram i went.  it did me wonders.  within a few hours, and more so within a few days, “cancer” took its proper place within the vast sphere of possibilities and realities.  i was no longer hounded by the rigid idea that so many have that there is only one course for cancer to take.  the world, the world in my mind, popped back open and WIDE, and glorious. 

    the ashram was welcoming and friendly and people genuinely wanted to help and did so in a natural and easy way.  no song and dance required.  at the ashram, i found that just posing a question or need idly outloud would prompt someone to volunteer to meet it.  wow.  what a pleasure.  particularly given the big and real needs i have right now.  of course i know this experience with many of you, my friends. 

    so, i meditated and meditated some more, practiced yoga everyday, found a very good chi gong teacher, ate healthy meals (that i did not have to prepare - which was a real pleasure given all the meals i’ve had to do solo and with great attention to healthfulness over the last year plus..), met some wonderful people, and generally greatly enjoyed living in community and at that quiet, thoughtful (and no-thought-ful) pace.   i’ll return.  that’s for sure.  it's now an integral part of my treatment plan.

    i've just met with a new oncologist - one of the two directors of the breast cancer division at Sloan Kettering - who i'm feeling cautiously optimistic about.  he's the first oncologist to genuinely recognize me as a whole person, and to acknowledge that i'm both a unique person and unusual case.   he sees the discrepancy between how i look on paper, ie. the diagnosis and all the accompanying labs and test results, and who and how i am in person.   as such, it seems he may be capable of working with me in a way specific and unique to me.   that means a lot.   we shall see...
 
    dear friends, i am very thankful for your friendship, and for your gifts of time and thoughts and conversation and letters and visits and so much more over the last year and a half.

much love to you all,
wendy